Episode 225 comes from a heart-felt submission by the partner of a porn/sex addict. She reports that he is in solid, serious recovery, but he just can't find a way to become consistently honest! Here's part of what she submitted—
It's just a default position (lying) that he takes to everything, whether about his addiction history or about nothing at all. I understand that this is part of their recovery journey, but I can't take it anymore and I am thinking of divorce… if they are lying about nothing, then what else are they really lying about? I don't want to do it anymore. It's unbearable. He is devastated, and can't explain to me why he does it, but acknowledges that he does. Can a sex addict ever stop lying? And if so, how do they do it and how long does it take? Because in my mind, if he doesn't stop, he is merely a relapse waiting to happen… all evidence (EXCEPT for the lying about stupid things) points towards him being an absolute gold star recovery student. I keep holding on because he is so committed, but I can't waste any more time with a liar. We have four sons too who he is terrified of losing, and they are all really angry with him, but want us to work it out. They just also want him to stop lying.
Mark and Steve talk raw and real about their own struggles with getting solidly on the honesty path and the many addicts they have worked with over the years—
Why All the Lying?
Avoidance of consequences
Experience has taught us that “honesty is NOT the best policy”
WE ARE PAIN AVOIDANT!
Lack coping skills for accountability
Riddled with shame
WE ARE OBSESSED WITH APPEARANCES
A glossy shell keeps the gooey center safe
WE CANNOT COPE WITH REJECTION - IN ANY FORM!
Part of us doesn't want to stop
Not really ready to change
Not willing to get uncomfortable
Sadly, may have not had enough pain yet
It allows us to control PERCEPTIONS, PEOPLE and OUTCOMES
Territorially, we don’t want to cause our partners pain, either
Consequences
We don't mature
We stay in shame
We stay disconnected
The relationship continues to languish.
Our spouses stay in Hell—high anxiety, reactive, guessing, hyper-vigilance
The relationship WILL NOT GROW. EVER. (best Case)
The relationship WILL DIE. (worst Case)
The liar never realizes his true potential and authentic self
Where to begin being Honest
Acceptance on the part of the addict
Impact, significance, scope, etc
Determine their willingness to give up “control”
START PRACTICING
Honesty
Accountability
Confronting
Being confronted
Making amends
Owning your past
Processing your shame
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services